Breaking the Bond

The bond between a father and a child is a bond that is difficult to understand. Whereas a mother has 9 months to bond with a child and build a connection from conception, fathers must work a little harder at it. It is like a stranger meeting someone else’s child for the first time and accepting the responsibility to be their provider. The intent is there, but the bond must be forged. It is a difficult bond to understand and one that must be built over time with hard work and dedication. This was the case with Danny and Jason.

Danny had great dreams for Jason from the moment his son was born, and there was hardly ever an occasion where you would see one without the other. He planned to instill in him all the things a man should be and teach him important lessons such as never pick a battle but never run from a fight, treat women with respect but never be their doormat, repay all his debts, never make a promise he couldn’t keep and above all else be a man of his word. Unfortunately for Danny, the father's dreams are often unrealized by the child. His son, Jason, was a quiet and meek child. Short and thin in stature, he couldn’t catch a ball when it was thrown to him and had horrible hand-to-eye coordination. When he was ten, where most boys his age were outside running and tackling each other in a game of football, Jason spent his time indoors drawing, coloring, and keeping to himself. The only friends he cared to have were his two younger sisters.

Danny tried his best to understand his son but at times it became frustrating seeing him not fit in with the other boys around the neighborhood. He reached the height of his frustration one summer day when he convinced Jason to go outside with him to throw a baseball back and forth. Every ball he threw Jason missed or let slip away in such a way that to Danny it seemed like Jason wasn’t even trying.

“Come on Jason concentrate!” Danny yelled sternly.

“I’m trying!” Jason shouted back on the verge of tears.

“Stop that crying boy!” Danny snapped. “Now we gonna stay out here until you catch at least one ball.” Angrily, Danny pulled back, tightening his grip on the ball and releasing it nearly full forcefully striking Jason in the chin. No sooner than he released the ball did Danny realize what he had done and rushed to comfort his son. Quickly rushing him into the house and examining the bruise. After that day he never asked Jason to play baseball again.

The next time Danny’s anger caught him off guard and caused him to hurt his son occurred when Jason was twelve. Coming home from work he found Jason playing dress-up with the girls, wearing clip-on earrings and makeup smeared across his face. It was all fun for Jason, making it harder for him to understand when Danny whopped him uncontrollably. After that night Jason made sure to never let his father catch him playing dress-up ever again.

When Jason was fifteen he had a best friend by the name of Glover, whom he did everything with. Danny was ecstatic to see his son bond with another male and have a genuine friend. He encouraged the two to always be together until one night when Glover was sleeping over and Danny caught the two closely sleeping together in the same bed. Danny kicked Glover out of the house, telling him never to come back, and once again whopped Jason. Jason swore to never spend the night with another male ever again.

Once Jason turned eighteen, he moved out of his parent’s house and went away to school. When he was twenty-two he moved back home, worked to save money, and buy his own house. At twenty-five, he met a girl, dated her for six months, and by twenty-six he was married with his first child on the way.

Danny couldn’t be more proud of Jason, never knowing that his son dressed in women’s clothing and slept with men at night but lacked the courage to tell his father. To this day Jason still cannot catch a baseball.

The Misconception of Coming Out

What does it  truly mean to come out? Is it announcing to the world one's sexual desires and acts, wearing rainbow paraphernalia and loud colors or is it that moment of identification, proudly accepting one's sexuality and being okay with it? There is no right or wrong answer, but there is a big misconception about the subject. Recently I posed the question: do you think coming out is important? Why or why not; to which an assortment of diverse answers were submitted and that’s when I noticed a trend. Not only does it seem as if a lot of gay black men are against coming out, but they also view the action negatively.

“What I feel is most important is that one must feel comfortable with himself. I am proud of WHO and WHAT I am, but I don't feel the need to have to wear a tee-shirt and parade my sexuality to prove myself to anyone. what I do sexually doesn't define Who nor What I am. and that is a 100% man. I live my own life as I please and Love who i please without restrictions or definitions.”

“Coming out doesn't even mean what it use to mean. When you’re grown and live your own life then you don't have to broadcast that you like boy pussy and or dick. Like I always say regardless of who I lay down with I'm still the same person.”

“LMAOOO....NOT IMPORTANT TO ME ITS NO ONES BUSINESS BUT THE ONE IM DATING AND WHOEVER ELSE I CHOOSE TO TELL...IM NOT TELLING NO ONE ANYTHING OR ANSWERING NO QUESTIONS IF YOUR NOT IMPORTANT TO MY LIFE.”

Seeing such comments I had to ask myself if I am the one with the misunderstanding. Never have I known coming out to mean broadcasting to the world one's sexual exploits or painting a vivid image of what occurs in one’s bedroom. In fact, I thought coming out was an act of individual catharsis, self-identity, or even just liberation. Liberation from the oppressed thought that homosexuality is such a taboo subject that it should be kept a secret; hidden from the rest of the world. Viewing coming out as unimportant is exactly the old fashioned idea that continues to set gay individuals back throughout the world. How can we expect others to become comfortable with the subject when we ourselves are the main saboteurs?

I take comfort in the fact that there are indeed like-minded individuals in the world as myself. Individuals who know that coming out is not about making your co-workers uncomfortable or advertising his or her personal business, but instead realize that coming out is an everyday journey. It is the acceptance of one’s own sexual orientation, and the comfort that comes with it.

“Important. Especially if you intend to date someone who is "OUT". It can only be an equitable relationship if you're meeting each other half way the entire way. I can't be introducing you to my family as my boyfriend, meanwhile when we go around your family I'm your "friend". I think it's a form a disrespect to the person who is OPEN, and I think it completely devalues the relationship. Don't get me wrong, if you're kicking it with a dude and for the first 3-8 months nothing comes up then fine. but after like 8 months it becomes hard to deny that you're dating someone especially if they start showing up at events. The very nature of humans is curiosity. Let's be real, though, people are NOT stupid, I personally think it's hilarious to see what lengths people will go to just to disguise their true sexuality.”

Without question, the definition of coming out is different for each individual and regardless of how necessary/unnecessary some may find it to be, there is a large misconception of what coming truly is. Coming out has and will always be that clear line between living comfortably or living based on the impressions of others. The only question left to answer is what side of the line would you rather live on?

“It is liberating and freeing if u will..I would say ALL GAY FOLKS need to come to out to themselves...make sure u comfortable with being gay b4 anyone else is comfortable with u...”