Recent conversations have made me questioned if we as black gay men are honest when it comes to sex. Per usual I posed a question in the various groups that I am a part of posing the question ‘Sex on the first date: Yes or No?’ As usual the answers varied widely and though I normally don’t venture into debates the responses from the particular question really stuck out to me. One person stated, “Hell No! U must be real easy to give yourself up on the first night. Nigga's will never turn down ass. But an upscale bitch that knows there "worth", will turn down many of dicks! #ThatsAll”
Now I’m all for freedom of speech and expression and despite the fact that I asked for opinions this particular comment just annoyed me. Maybe it was the fact that it came off a little condescending towards those who answered yes, or maybe it was the fact that this was a response that came from a man who incorporates Sex-Appeal Satisfaction Guaranteed into his screen name (talk about being easy). Anyway back to the subject at hand, from that one comment some of the other comments took a U-turn and I began to look at these responses and the men posting them and found myself wondering if we as Black Gay Men are completely honest when it comes to sex.
Let’s be honest, a lot of us LOVE sex. Not saying that we are all about sex but when it comes to the act we thoroughly enjoy it. There is nothing wrong with that. But when I posted my question a lot of people mistook the idea that I was trying to present. When I asked ‘Sex on the first date: Yes or No?’ I wasn’t asking if sex is a guarantee on the first date only asking if it was an option. Now that I have cleared my question up let me clarify the meaning of a date.
Yes to some a date may be inclusive of jumping online, and searching through nearby half clothed gentlemen to come over, but I was referring to the traditional aspect. A person whom you have conversed with for a period of time and that you are moderately interested in so you two decide to have an outing together. This is a person who you like talking to and spending time with and that you have grown to know as a person.
Though most people mistook the conversation it doesn’t change that I feel that some of us aren’t being completely honest when it comes to sex. Sex in the aspect of: Who we have it, when we have it, how often we have it and how we go about attaining it. Such as the topic of having sex on the first date, too often black gay men participate in activities profusely but when the topic is brought out in the open they shy away from acknowledging their participation.
I feel that this itself is an everlasting effect of homophobia. Just as with the DL epidemic, some black gay men feel that they must hide their true nature feeling somewhat ashamed of themselves. Just as there aren’t many who will admit that they have (and will) have sex on the first date, there are those who won’t admit to attending a sex party, having sex with a random person or even something as simple as admitting to having a page of A4A or BGC.
I’m not saying black gay men should boast and tell everyone about the things he does but to just ponder why he doesn’t tell the things that he keeps to himself. Think about it, the things that you kept secret deep down inside why do you keep such things hidden? Is it for pure privacy and discretion or is it shame and fear of not being understood.