2011 My year in Review

As 2011 comes to an end I find myself reminiscing about the events that have made this year so interesting and memorable. This has been the first year that I’ve truly felt as if I’m an adult, facing all the challenges and roadblocks head-on. Since the beginning of the year, I have done some pretty extraordinary things and I think that this upcoming year will be even better.

2011 has been the first year in about 20 that I have not been in school. Not being in enrolled in school is sort of a bitter sweet feeling as I can do things on my accord and concentrate on other projects, but there is still a part of me that yearns to return to school. I don’t necessarily know if it’s because school is somewhat of a safety net for me, because it’s what everyone else wants me to do, or simply because I like the thrill of receiving an education. After this year’s hiatus I do believe that 2012 will find me inside the classroom once again as either way there is still a lot I can learn to help polish my craft. 

As far as my craft goes 2011 will always be marked as the year I became a published author. On February 2 I published my first book Coming To Terms under my professional name Anton Maurice. The entire experience has been an eye-opener and I can’t say anything bad about the experience, but I will say that a lot of work and determination goes into everything you do. My advice to all writers who are thinking about self-publishing is to just do it! It’s the best way to get good and honest feedback about your work. Also get used to criticism, good and bad, it only helps you in the end.

I’m still not through with my first book as I’m always hustling to try and gain a publishing contract but until that happens I’m working on a second book that I hope to evolve into a series of books along with a potential television script. Hopefully, all my projects will come together in the New Year.

Though it may sound like it, 2011 wasn’t all just work I did find time to relax and enjoy myself with two major trips: One to Miami for Sizzle and the second to Cancun, Mexico. Sizzle was quite an experience, I wouldn’t call it a pride event, but it was definitely an eye opener seeing all the different variations of black gay men from across the world. I made a lot of new friends and also got a glimpse at what being caught up in “the lifestyle” can do to a person. Maybe next year I will return, but after eight-plus hours inside a car, I know that next time I’ll be flying.

Cancun was a totally different type of trip as it wasn’t gay orientated like the trip to Miami. Regardless this was the better trip of the two as I got to experience an entirely different culture. Once my friends and I landed in Mexico I must say I experienced culture shock from the realization that for the first time being an American meant to be a minority. It wasn’t about race, as I felt as if race really didn’t matter, everyone was equal to one another.

The New Year is quickly approaching and I’m anxious to see what the year will hold. My aspirations for the New Year are simple as I just want to continue to grow as a person and prosper with my profession. I started two new projects one which is my blog, which you are currently reading, and the other is a group of writers on Facebook. The group consists of bloggers, poets, musicians, published authors and everything else in between. We’ve gotten a lot of projects done and hopefully the New Year will bring new members and more creativity. My blog will continue to be an outlet for my thoughts and creativity. It’s a mixture of different things like myself and I like to think that I will provide writing for everyone to read.

 Well not trying to ramble just felt that this would be a good opportunity to look back at my personal accomplishments and set the stage for what is to come in the New Year. 2011, it’s been real.

Meanings vs Impressions

I’m sure a lot of people have heard the story the black college student and his Confederate flag, but for those of you who haven’t let me catch you up on what you’ve missed:

Byron Thomas is a freshman at the University of South Carolina Beaufort who in an attempt of self-expression hung the Confederate Flag inside his dorm room. Initially the school, who became concerned after student complaints, notified Thomas that he could not hang the flag as it went against conduct codes; Something Thomas didn’t take well.

Fortunately the school has permitted Thomas to keep his flag but the debate still persists, is the Confederate flag a symbol of Racism or has it become something more??? 

“It symbolized SLAVERY not pride, the south wanted to keep slaves and the economic advantage the gave them over the north, the dirty truth is that the CIVIL WAR was fought about money not people, and there is no pride in that, it is plain class warfare!!!!”

As someone from South Carolina I just want to point out that the Confederate flag is something commonly seen throughout the state, especially where I'm from. His belief and impression of the flag is exactly what had the flag flying over our State House for so long. I know what the Flag stands/stood for to some people, but I also know that anyone can form their own impression of something.

As Blacks I believe we, some of us, have perfected the art of taking something negative and derogatory and transforming it into something positive. I'm not saying that I'm going out to purchase a Confederate flag, but I do can't knock him for his choice. 

The issue of the symbolism of the Confederate flag depends upon the person. Thomas sees it as Southern Pride and to a certain extent and can be attributed to that but also let’s not forget that the flag was raised as a symbol of unity in the fight to uphold the institution of slavery; a rejection of unity and advancement as people. Are people ultra sensitive about the flag, yes! Should they be? Well like impressions that should be left up to the individual.

Preference VS Closed Minded

It really has been a while since I have written anything.  So much has been going on but that’s a topic for another time. Now it’s time to get back on track. In one of the various groups that I am in all types of debates and arguments occur, usually following a thought provoking conversation.

Why is it that if a person says they wouldn't date/have sex w/ an HIV+ guy they are seen as being "close minded"?

I had to admit this was a pretty interesting question so why not dive right in? I responded ‘I don't find it being close minded I just consider it being limited. Anyone who would turn down a person who is sweet, loving, successful and everything else you could ask for in a mate definitely is cheating himself out of love.

I stand by my position believing that love is so hard to come by and so many people dream about having it and craving it that no one should ever reject it. But then I had to think about what was truly being said. Why is it that having a strong preference for or against something is something that can be called closed minded? I guess in a sense closed minded is the equivalent of not being open to all things/chances so I understand that aspect. People have preferences against obese individuals, members of different races and religions so why is it such an insult not to want to date a HIV+ person?

Is it that homosexuals have fallen into the mindset of believing the stigma that having HIV is a death sentence? It seems some have but for all the wrong reasons:

“Well, the chances are that most men have dated someone that was HIV+ and didn't know it or had sex with someone that was. So if you'd do it not knowing, why would it change knowing that he was?”

“People have the right not to want to have sex with a person who discloses their HIV status and that is the reason for disclosing to give the other person a choice I would never be upset with a person who didn't want to have sex with me it's their choice.”

“...Me personally, I think that it is naive and closed minded!! My reason: I wanna know who all asks the guy before you suck his dick, before you bend over or bend dey ass over or before you go to that sex party or have a 3some, before you meet them off BGC, A4A, tagged, grindr, and ask to have sex with them do you ask if THEY ARE HIV+..now HONESTLY ask yourself that question before I get all types of response..the majority will say no...YEs its a choice to not have sex with someone who is and trust me it is a scary feeling but how can you possibly say you have a choice when half the time you don't know if you are taking the chance to come in contact with someone who really is? I mean seriously, some dudes kill me when they say oh, nah I'm not fucking him or letting him fuck me cause he told me he POZ...dumb ass be happy he told yo ass he was instead of lying #grownmanstatus(get on it) sn: I am HIV NEGATIVE!!!”

I stand by my position in believing everyone deserves to be loved regardless of any barrier. My final thoughts on the situation are that it is closed minded, but more importantly we only feel so negative towards it because of the dark connotation attached to it.

The Best First

Running has never been a particular past time of mine, and to be honest I can’t understand why anyone would do it leisurely; after all, that’s what we have cars for. But today I ran like I was the first kill of a horror movie. I don’t even know how many blocks I covered, I just know that my chest was burning and I was developing an excruciating pain in my left leg. But I didn’t care!!!! I was on a mission.

Finally my front yard! I jumped over the hedges, burst through the door! “Hey, mom!” My blurry image shouted zooming down the hallway, barely missing running into my sister. Sharp left and finally I was in my room!! I grabbed my phone, dialing one of the only numbers I knew by heart. First ring. Second ring. Third ring. “Ugh come on!” I shouted impatiently. Finally another voice.

“Hello?” My best friend’s voice gurgled, the way it did when he had just woken up.

“Get up! I have a major announcement!” I huffed in between deep breaths.

“What…who is this?”

“The last person you’ll ever speak to if you don’t get up!” I shouted.

“Oh,” he grunted. “Why do you sound like that?”

“I’ve…been…running,” I said trying to gain my composure. I was finally beginning to breathe in normal smooth patterns. “You will never believe what happened.”

“More unbelievable than the act of you running?”

“Even bigger!” I gloated.

“Well don’t just breathe in my ear. Tell me what happened.”

“So you know Glen and I have been flirting with each other for some time now. Well, today it just so happened that I was in the right place at the right time. I had to stay after school to help Mrs. Miller set up her classroom when she asked me to go to Ms. Daily’s classroom to borrow some tape.”

“Wow, that’s interesting.” My smartass friend groaned.

“I’m not done yet, be patient.” I snarled. “So anyway I go to get the damn tape and turns out Daily is monitoring after school detention. The usual people were in there, burnouts, bullies, drama queens but to my surprise so was Glen.  I was so hurt! How could someone who always made it to class on time, while never ever getting into trouble, let alone hand in a homework assignment late land in detention. I wanted to demand answers.

Our eyes looked instantly! Transfixed by those beautiful red lips and the gorgeous smooth pecan complexion I wanted to jump his bones right there and then!! Ugh! Our staring contest didn’t last long, though, interrupted by rude ass Daily. I got the tape and left, but something inside me just told me to linger around that hallway.”

My friend laughed. “Oh my gosh, you are such a little stalker. Please continue.”

“So it took about two minutes of walking up and down the hallway and continually stopping at the water fountain before finally Glen exited the classroom. My patience finally paid off but of course, I had to act natural. I couldn’t just spaz out right there and then, even though I wanted to. Of course, I made sure not to acknowledge him first as he found me hovering over the water fountain right down from the classroom.

He made simple conversation like he normally does talking about who only God knows. I tend to zone out when he smiles. But anyway I finally had my chance to ask him why he was in detention and do you know why? Liberty got caught copying off his paper and the teacher claimed that he was letting her do it. So not only did he get detention but he has to retake the test tomorrow after school.

I expressed how unfair that was as everyone knows that Glen doesn’t cheat or help anyone else cheats. But I guess that’s life right, sometimes the innocent has to suffer along with the guilty. Anyway, we talked some more when the most interesting thing happened. He asked me ‘if I wanted to see something cool?’

I laughed at first, but the look in his eye expressed his seriousness. Those big bulging eyes that normally were accompanying laughter had transformed into sensual inviting eyes. How could I resist him! I, of course, said yes. He led the way and I followed.”

“Where’d you go?” A voice of intrigue asked.

“We went to the locker room! Each step I took resonated with my heart beat, sounding louder and louder the closer we got. Of course, since it was after 5 the school was practically scarce. Walking into the locker room was a little eerie! It was dark and cold, seeming like a completely different place. Instead of shouts and laughs, I heard creaks and echoes of dripping faucets.

‘you scared?’ he asked me as he led the way. I wanted to say yeah but, of course, my cool façade wouldn’t allow me to do that.  I told him no I don’t scare easily which made him laugh in the cutest laugh you could ever hear!

Once he turned around we found ourselves standing face to face, eyes conjoined exploring the crevices of each other’s mind! He stepped forward even closer, our chests an inch from touching.

“How about now?” He asked breaking the occurring silence.

I asked what it was he had to show me which prompted him to reveal a glittering smile. “Well, it’s more of something I have to give you!”

“Oh and then what!!!!!” A scream sounded in my ear.

“Then we kissed. Deep passionate tongue twisting, muscle pulsing, eye bulging kissing. It was pure ecstasy!”

“I don’t believe it,”

I revealed in the thoughts of his smooth touch and the warmth of his lips. It was the excitement the proceeded being shocked by a jolt of electricity. Frightening at first but exhilarating at the same time! Breathing heavily and laughing giddily!

“Well,” My audience chimed in. “What does this mean?”

Then realization set in. With this realization, came fear. Fear of not knowing what was to come in the future.

“Well my friend, that is a conversation for another time.”