The Talk

Recent conversations have made me question if we as black gay men are honest when it comes to sex. Per usual I posed a question in the various groups that I am a part of posing the question ‘Sex on the first date: Yes or No?’ As usual the answers varied widely and though I normally don’t venture into debates the responses from the particular question really stuck out to me. One person stated, “Hell No! U must be real easy to give yourself up on the first night. Nigga's will never turn down ass. But an upscale bitch that knows there "worth", will turn down many of dicks! #ThatsAll” 

 Now I’m all for freedom of speech and expression and despite the fact that I asked for opinions this particular comment just annoyed me. Maybe it was the fact that it came off a little condescending towards those who answered yes, or maybe it was the fact that this was a response that came from a man who incorporates Sex-Appeal Satisfaction Guaranteed into his screen name (talk about being easy). Anyway back to the subject at hand, from that one comment some of the other comments took a U-turn and I began to look at these responses and the men posting them and found myself wondering if we as Black Gay Men are completely honest when it comes to sex.

Let’s be honest, a lot of us LOVE sex. Not saying that we are all about sex but when it comes to the act we thoroughly enjoy it. There is nothing wrong with that. But when I posted my question a lot of people mistook the idea that I was trying to present. When I asked ‘Sex on the first date: Yes or No?’ I wasn’t asking if sex is a guarantee on the first date only asking if it was an option. Now that I have cleared my question up let me clarify the meaning of a date.

Yes to some a date may be inclusive of jumping online, and searching through nearby half clothed gentlemen to come over, but I was referring to the traditional aspect. A person whom you have conversed with for a period of time and that you are moderately interested in so you two decide to have an outing together. This is a person who you like talking to and spending time with and that you have grown to know as a person.

Though most people mistook the conversation it doesn’t change that I feel that some of us aren’t being completely honest when it comes to sex. Sex in the aspect of:  Who we have it, when we have it, how often we have it and how we go about attaining it. Such as the topic of having sex on the first date, too often black gay men participate in activities profusely but when the topic is brought out in the open they shy away from acknowledging their participation.

I feel that this itself is an everlasting effect of homophobia. Just as with the DL epidemic, some black gay men feel that they must hide their true nature feeling somewhat ashamed of themselves. Just as there aren’t many who will admit that they have (and will) have sex on the first date, there are those who won’t admit to attending a sex party, having sex with a random person or even something as simple as admitting to having a page of A4A or BGC.

I’m not saying black gay men should boast and tell everyone about the things he does but to just ponder why he doesn’t tell the things that he keeps to himself. Think about it, the things that you kept secret deep down inside why do you keep such things hidden? Is it for pure privacy and discretion or is it shame and fear of not being understood.

Does Virtue Still Exist?

A member of the group Black Gay and Proud on Facebook posed the question if it was a good idea to have sex with his boyfriend of three weeks as a BIRTHDAY GIFT. At first I took it as a joke but later in the conversation it was clear how serious and adamant he was about committing and losing his virginity.

“Ok I'm still a virgin and I have been dating this dude for like 3 weeks now, well of course during our time being together I have left him sexually frustrated because I'm a bottom and I'm scared of what's going to happen after such as our relationship and my body but when I thought I was ready and was wanting him he told me he didn’t think I was ready, now his birthday is in 2 weeks, should I go ahead and do it or should I wait because honestly I feel that I'm ready, I think I'm mature enough to handle whatever happens.”

So my response to him was the standard ‘wait until you’re ready, your virtue is important to you’ which I still stand by only to be met with resistance from another commenter who wrote:

“Some of you sound like idiots. Clearly this Andrew wants to engage, and his partner felt he wasn't mature enough to handle what may come as a result. Perhaps when you felt you were ready, he wasn't due to your perhaps unsanitary position. Omit advice regarding "virginity is sacred" "something you'll never get back" Spoken from the cum guzzlers mouth at the age of 14. Get a grip on reality, if you want to fuck, fuck. If not, move on and focus less on teasing and more on academics...”

“Spoken from the cum guzzlers mouth…if you want to fuck, fuck.” What type of advice is that?? It’s sad to say that his negative experiences and probably lack of a proper role model added to his negative view of cherishing virginity and using discretion when to lose.

From the negative response to the post, which I hope is ignored by everyone, I began to wonder is virtue lost to black gay men? And if so why?

Virtue is defined as “Conformity to a standard of right; morality” and “chastity especially in a woman.”

I am aware that we live in a society that tends to hold males sexual experience to a different degree than that of women, seemingly expecting men to get as much practice as possible while women should wait for one special person. Regardless of this idea I think that virtue is equally important to both sexes. Unfortunately some black gay males throw virtue out the window at a whim when faced with temptation.

These are the individuals who begin having sexual encounters by the age of fourteen, which often immediately transcends into multiple partners. Often at times, these sexual encounters are unprotected which then leads way into an entirely new world of dangers and risks.

This ties into my idea of why virtue is important and why one should truly be ready and committed to a person before going as far as giving a person their virginity, let alone before having sex with him (or her).

I feel that one’s virtue is one of the most important aspects of a person’s individuality. Some of us put more emphasis on it than others but the end result is the same; if you want anyone to respect you, you have to respect yourself.