The Misconception of Coming Out

What does it  truly mean to come out? Is it announcing to the world one's sexual desires and acts, wearing rainbow paraphernalia and loud colors or is it that moment of identification, proudly accepting one's sexuality and being okay with it? There is no right or wrong answer, but there is a big misconception about the subject. Recently I posed the question: do you think coming out is important? Why or why not; to which an assortment of diverse answers were submitted and that’s when I noticed a trend. Not only does it seem as if a lot of gay black men are against coming out, but they also view the action negatively.

“What I feel is most important is that one must feel comfortable with himself. I am proud of WHO and WHAT I am, but I don't feel the need to have to wear a tee-shirt and parade my sexuality to prove myself to anyone. what I do sexually doesn't define Who nor What I am. and that is a 100% man. I live my own life as I please and Love who i please without restrictions or definitions.”

“Coming out doesn't even mean what it use to mean. When you’re grown and live your own life then you don't have to broadcast that you like boy pussy and or dick. Like I always say regardless of who I lay down with I'm still the same person.”

“LMAOOO....NOT IMPORTANT TO ME ITS NO ONES BUSINESS BUT THE ONE IM DATING AND WHOEVER ELSE I CHOOSE TO TELL...IM NOT TELLING NO ONE ANYTHING OR ANSWERING NO QUESTIONS IF YOUR NOT IMPORTANT TO MY LIFE.”

Seeing such comments I had to ask myself if I am the one with the misunderstanding. Never have I known coming out to mean broadcasting to the world one's sexual exploits or painting a vivid image of what occurs in one’s bedroom. In fact, I thought coming out was an act of individual catharsis, self-identity, or even just liberation. Liberation from the oppressed thought that homosexuality is such a taboo subject that it should be kept a secret; hidden from the rest of the world. Viewing coming out as unimportant is exactly the old fashioned idea that continues to set gay individuals back throughout the world. How can we expect others to become comfortable with the subject when we ourselves are the main saboteurs?

I take comfort in the fact that there are indeed like-minded individuals in the world as myself. Individuals who know that coming out is not about making your co-workers uncomfortable or advertising his or her personal business, but instead realize that coming out is an everyday journey. It is the acceptance of one’s own sexual orientation, and the comfort that comes with it.

“Important. Especially if you intend to date someone who is "OUT". It can only be an equitable relationship if you're meeting each other half way the entire way. I can't be introducing you to my family as my boyfriend, meanwhile when we go around your family I'm your "friend". I think it's a form a disrespect to the person who is OPEN, and I think it completely devalues the relationship. Don't get me wrong, if you're kicking it with a dude and for the first 3-8 months nothing comes up then fine. but after like 8 months it becomes hard to deny that you're dating someone especially if they start showing up at events. The very nature of humans is curiosity. Let's be real, though, people are NOT stupid, I personally think it's hilarious to see what lengths people will go to just to disguise their true sexuality.”

Without question, the definition of coming out is different for each individual and regardless of how necessary/unnecessary some may find it to be, there is a large misconception of what coming truly is. Coming out has and will always be that clear line between living comfortably or living based on the impressions of others. The only question left to answer is what side of the line would you rather live on?

“It is liberating and freeing if u will..I would say ALL GAY FOLKS need to come to out to themselves...make sure u comfortable with being gay b4 anyone else is comfortable with u...”

Religion and Chicken: The Master’s New Whip

Nowadays I’m sure almost most people are familiar with the outrage of Chick-fil-A condemning of gay marriage, or homosexuality in general. Familiarizing myself with this issue over a year ago I admit that the current rise of outrage and media coverage is quite overrated, but then I saw the picture shown above. Such a photo speaks volumes about the African American community. Why are we always the portrayed as the lap dogs of wealthy white patrons?  Now I’m sure that Chick-fil-A will never publicly endorse such a photo but I’m also quite sure that a picture of white church goers raising their poisonous chicken contents to the sky won’t surface on the internet any time soon. My issue with the image touches on two key points: The stereotype of black and chicken and also the Black community tie to Christianity.

I will keep my rant about blacks and chicken to a minimum, as I’m sure everyone is familiar with the connection. My only question is why? Do music, recorded fist fights, and the high crime rates of our community not hurt us enough that we have to pose for pictures praising chicken? Okay, you might say that the picture isn’t about glorifying the chicken, it’s about supporting the chain and though you may be right, the picture does paint an image that isn’t easily escaped.

Now onto my second issue; time has continued to prove that whatever issue the Christian based church seems to have with a subject, most of the black community is sure to jump on the bandwagon. My issue with the black community backing the decision of the Chick-fil-A is how once again the bible is being used as a weapon. Not too long ago the bible was being used as a weapon against the African American community. Sure it allowed us to get married, but it also enslaved and humiliated us. I may not be the most religious person in the world, but I thought the purpose of Christianity was to spread love not to oppress.

I’m not going to tell anyone what to spend their own money on; but, I will point out that it is foolish to support any person/event/venue that isn’t supportive of you. Chick-fil-A’s true intentions will come to light soon, and when it does I hope a lot of people reevaluate their faith and their beliefs. The picture prompts an interesting question, “have the oppressed become the oppressor” or are we slowly sliding backward? 

Injustice Affects Everyone

Think and Discuss: Double Standards

Now that enough time has been passed for me to clearly convey my thoughts and feelings on the issue I can give an honest opinion on the Trayvon Martin issue. Do I think Zimmerman is racist, probably so but then again so is the majority of America. Do I think Zimmerman killed Martin because he was black, no. Do I think Zimmerman should be arrested and convicted, yes. That’s all I have to say on the situation before I dive deeper into the uproar that this shooting has caused.

Why is it that Americans are so prejudice and racist against others that we ignore the wrong doing done by our brothers and sisters of the same race? Why is the highest level of hate for a white man to kill a black man but when blacks kill other blacks it is hardly recognized. There is no media coverage. There is no rallying and petitioning. There is no call for justice.

I thought that a crime was a crime no matter who is involved. Was I wrong to think so, because in recent times it only seems as if a crime is a crime, depending on the shock value of the details? Here is a piece by a friend Alan Martin:

“Recent events in Sanford, Florida in regards to the Trayvon Martin incident have had me in deep thought. Like most Black Americans, I was outraged. However, as time has passed, I've gone from seeing it as just a Black/White issue but as an issue deserving justice. Most of you know my position on gun control...and had George Zimmerman not decided to patrol the streets armed with a gun that he had the legal right to carry, this wouldn't have happened. 

This has also reinforced my overall view of the double standard that the Black Community has always lived under. We are the first to gather the troops when someone of another race brings harm to us...yet we sit silently by each and every time there is a Black on Black crime. How many murders committed by a Black person against another Black person go unsolved because of the wall of silence in the Black Community. No one ever see's anything or knows anything. Yet, we want those same police and the Justice System to give us justice when we feel attacked from someone from the so-called outside. When our children act out in school or does something wrong, we're quick to claim it wasn't him, or how dare to chastise my child. We teach our children not to respect authority when away from home...how many teachers tell me of their Black students who talk back or disrespect them because they know their parents will always side with them. 

We also have one of the highest birthrates of children born to unwed mothers.....especially among teens. We celebrate those births into the home...yet if your son or daughter brings home a spouse of a different race or of the same sex...we're less accepting. Instead of hearing Black parents asking "When is my child getting married?"......I hear "When is my child gonna give me grandchildren?"

We allow our children to walk out of the house looking like anything other than young ladies and gentlemen. We give them names that will harm them for life. I was in Target a few weeks ago, and the young lady checking me out was pregnant, she happened to be Black. I asked her when she was due and if she knew the sex of her baby. She told me the date and told me that she was expecting a boy that she was naming him Christopher. She said she wanted his name to look good on a resume and that she had no intention of doing as so many of her friends had done by the naming of their babies and branding them for life. I complimented her on her wise decision. I wish more young Black parents thought of that these days before naming their children. 

Look at the mug shots in the news...you can't pronounce half of their first names. It is way past time for us as a Community to come together...not just when we feel wronged by someone else...but to also to prevent us from continuing to destroy ourselves from within. We cannot simply keep blaming someone else for what's wrong in the Black Community. 

It's time to look in the mirror. We may not like what we see, as the truth always hurts.”

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The black community has a long way to go as justice should be fought for all, not just once it’s convenient. My only hope is that this Martin case doesn’t die down in the few months such as everything else has its way of doing within the Black community. “Buying skittles and hoodies” will only increase someone’s revenue not get rid of the problems. Let’s continue the fire that has been started by this tragedy and not wait for the next instance to decide to want to do something.

Miss Promiscuous

I know you probably awoke expecting breakfast in bed,

But let me tell you, honey you got the wrong one for that!

You see, as amazing and passionate a night we had, it was just that,

A night. Nothing more, nothing less.

So could you do me a favor and start getting dressed.

These eyes that you found to be so captivating

Don’t seem to shine so bright anymore.

Mesmerizing reassurance replaced with brown deceiving balls

To let you know this is no joke.

And those sweet words, whispered so softly on vulnerable ears,

Arrows delicately sharpened, essential tools for any hunter.

You see this emotion you call love, is just a game to me.

I don’t mean to be cruel, but this drug called lust

Has quite a powerful pull.

And I know you thought what you found was love

But honestly that’s what happens when you choose to get your heart involved.

Well time is wasting and I see you’re fully dressed

So I’ll send you off with a hug and a kiss.

A lesson learned from miss promiscuous.

Labels

They caught me on a moonless night

Bearing a grocery bag

As I walked along the maze of streets

That I had mastered in youthful days.

Safe, secure fantasy quickly vanished as

Frightening figures emerged from shadows.

Clutched from behind

Grasped from up front

Slurs and chants rang all around!

Help was called, he did not answer

Prayers were sent, to never be delivered!

I thought to myself this must be a mistake,

I could not possibly be this “nigger”

This “faggot” they sought so violently.

The minutes left wounds of tormenting years

Reminders of such a terrifying event.

Whelps and stings overwhelmed my body,

Tears and sweat my only comfort.

They snatched no chain

Nor picked any pocket.

The relic they stole was much more valuable.

They quickly disappeared,

Returning to haunted shadows.

Leaving me sprawled in misery,

Thinking, hoping that it couldn’t be

That this nigger, this faggot was me.

MLK Weekend: A time for Partying

I saw the above flyer in one of the groups I am a part of on Facebook and immediately caused uproar among the members. I understood where a few of them were coming from but me being me I had to get more feedback. Post the flyer in the various other groups I am a part of there seemed to have been a general consensus that the flyer is disrespectful to King’s legacy.

As always I’m the understanding one when it comes to the subject, and I don’t necessarily consider the flyer to be purposely disrespectful but more so done in bad taste. To give you the background on the flyer it was made by a club promoter advertising for MLK weekend. As some of you may know, in the LGBT community MLK weekend is a big party weekend especially in Atlanta. A lot of people find fault with this, but I can assure that the weekend is just as overly hyped among heterosexual party goers. I understand that the creator of the flyer is just doing his job, but it was truly disrespectful to add Dr. King’s image, especially such a monumental picture, next to an image of strippers.

 But I digress, why is it that when it comes to the black gay community whenever it is time to celebrate an occasion the celebration revolves around sex and partying? What does this say about our community when we flock to the clubs and show our appreciation for the legacy of a man who fought for the rights of all by promoting strippers and drink specials; It seems to me that some of us are forgetting the reason behind the holiday and what had to be sacrificed to achieve it.

Memoirs of a Writer pt. 1

Writing has always been a passion of mine. My earliest memory goes back to when I was 9 years old in the 4^th grade. I formulated this journal where I was determined to express myself and write down every aspect of my life. After that, I remember being in the 5^th grade when I progressed from using loose leaf paper to my first real journal!!

I got it from the school's book fair and when I saw it I knew I had to have it! It was blue, with the image of a full moon and two wolves standing on a mountain. It was so alluring and special to me, it got me through a lot of hard times.

It was in my journal that I wrote my very first poem entitled All Eyes on Me. Unfortunately, I don’t exactly remember how the poem goes but it was about the constant negative attention I felt I was receiving because of my skin tone. Thanks to this new outlet I submitted my poem in the school’s poetry competition and of all people I placed second!! Yes, I would have liked to have won but I was satisfied with just placing and being acknowledged!

From that point, I poured my heart out every chance I got, writing my way to a new chapter in my life.

To Be Continued…

Think & Respond: Waiting For Marriage

"I need advice...Ok...Here's the deal...I want to wait til I get married for sex. I have been told that I WON'T FIND anyone in the gay community who will wait. Is that TRUE? Do we really think with our URGES and not our heart?" 

My initial response to this guy’s question, which I still stand by, was that it seems unrealistic but there may be someone out there with the same ideals... I mean I am sure there are plenty of individuals in the world who are virgins committed on remaining so until he or she is married. My only point, which makes this young man goal’s unrealistic to me, is that I feel that the men and women who are saving themselves until marriage are predominately heterosexual.

Let’s be honest, the idea of a gay man saving himself until marriage is quite hysterical being as we as homosexuals can not legally marry in 44 states. Don’t get me wrong, I’m an optimist and believe that universal marriage for all humans will occur someday, but he isn’t waiting ‘til the day everyone can get married, just himself. Not wanting to look down on his belief I had to know exactly what his mind set was:

“It's something I always wanted to do...I wanna b PURE for him.”

Just to clear things up, yes the young man is a Christian but it just struck me as if he is trying to live his life parallel to that of a heterosexual couple, and that’s where I have the problem. Why is it that so many gay men try to emulate heterosexual relationships? It’s bad enough that society often equates being gay as wanting to be a woman, but what does it say about our culture when we actually take steps and conduct ourselves as such. Not to say that the young man truly wants to be a woman, but I feel as if he believes being in a relationship with a man is the equivalent to a man and woman and that is not the case.

My advice to this young man is to concentrate on waiting for love. He seems to be a young man who places a lot of meanings behind sex and because of this I’m sure he won’t have sex until he finds the person he feels is truly right for him. I chop his aspirations up to youth and inexperience. To all readers, go out and enjoy life. There’s much to explore and learn.