Monday, October 31, 2011

How To Survive Halloween

It’s the time of year again! The one day of the year that scares the &#8+ out of every living person on the planet, a little day we call Halloween. From October 1 to the 31st the air becomes filled with an air of mystery and terror and I love it. Since I love Halloween so much, and I think life is just a horror movie waiting to happen, I think it’s time that I share my vast knowledge on how to survive a Halloween movie.
Okay the first thing that you will have to remember is that every noise and shadow is a potential killer. Never walk into a dark empty house alone. The killer is already inside, probably hiding inside your closet, waiting for you to become uncomfortable and kill you. If you must go home to an empty house, go in pairs. Killers never suspect two people to come home and if he still is bent on attacking you at least you have someone to trip and sacrifice so you can get away.

Now that that has been established the second element to survive Halloween is to remember don’t take a shower. I know you want to keep your hygiene intact, but showers are the enemy, especially if you’re a woman. The sound of the running water muffles the sound of your approaching killer but if you feel you must freshen up then take a bath but make it a quick one.

Fella’s don’t feel left out, you have your death traps also so with that being said; don’t be an idiot. Never go down into the basement, or the attic, or outside or anywhere to check out creepy noise that your girlfriend is so afraid of. Trust me, it’s not the stupid cat that you’re going to find it’s going to be the killer. Also always and I mean always check your back seat before entering a car. The killer is back there with a knife and it’s not going to be anyone’s fault but your own when he grabs you from behind. 

Since we are such an advanced society, technology has changed the rules of horror a little. This rule used to be to never answer the phone, but since we live in the world of cell phones I think it’s best that you don’t answer foreign numbers. It’s the killer calling to play with his prey and if you answer then you might as well walk out into the middle of the road and ask him, or her, to come and get you. 

This is the last piece of advice I have to offer. Now if you are someone who can’t help but to enter dark houses alone, take long showers, and jump into cars without checking there is still one sure thing you can do to survive Halloween. DO NOT HAVE SEX. Don’t kiss. Don’t have foreplay. In fact don’t even take that bath I mentioned earlier because you should NEVER get naked. Having your virginity intact is a get out of jail free card and it can only be used once. Once you cash it in, it’s open season for you and you will probably die. 

So here you have it, the do’s and do not’s of Halloween. Be warned that these rules only apply to your average killer this does not include ghosts, spirits, cannibalistic families, or Jigsaw. There is an entirely different set of rules for those, but I have run out of time. Follow these rules and hopefully I will see you next Halloween.